On Saturday, we finally decorated our Christmas tree after it had sat bare, other than lights, for the better part of two weeks. I could say the delay was because Owen was gone on a hunting trip, which played a role, but truthfully, it was mostly because I just didn’t want to.
My mom loved Christmas, and doing it without her for the first time is hard. Add to that the complications and limitations Covid-19 has placed on our holiday celebrations; the combination has left me feeling a bit Grinchy this year.
Growing up, Christmas was always a big deal. Not only the day itself but the days leading up to it as well. My mom created wonderful traditions for us, starting with how we decorated the tree. The ornaments always went on first, and then when it was all finished, we’d turn off the lights in the room and plug in the tree. That was always a magical moment for us as young girls. The days leading up to Christmas Day were filled with baking cookies, pumpkin bread, fudge, Harvey Walbanger Cake, and pies. There was always plenty to share with family and friends. The first snow always meant homemade hot chocolate with Marshmallow Fluff or Redi Whip, or even both, on top. We took annual trips to look at The Plaza Lights and never missed making a stop at the house on Falmouth Drive in Prairie Village. We always had matching new pajamas to wear on Christmas Eve; we left cookies for Santa and left the tree lit overnight.
We waited until everyone was awake on Christmas morning, and we went into the living room together. I understand why we did that now. Mom wanted to see the look on our faces when we saw what Santa brought. Santa never wrapped the gifts from him at our house, so we could see right away what was under the tree for us. We then took turns opening the other presents, starting with the youngest person. My twin sister and I opened our gifts back-to-back to keep from spoiling the surprise for one another. This process usually took us most of the morning. It was Mom's way of extending the culmination of all the hard work, saving, and planning she had done for months to create that special moment for each of us. The rest of the day was filled with a lot of food and celebrations with extended family.
We continued these traditions even after we were all married. When the grandkids came along, we added new traditions, including the "Grand Tree" decorated by the grandkids and making a birthday cake for Jesus each year.
All of this is why it is impossible to think of Christmas without thinking of her. Carrying on these traditions this year has left my heart feeling full and yet slightly empty at the same time.
I am aware that I am not alone. This year has been tough; my circumstances are the reality for many families, including several co-workers. One of them said something the other day that really stuck with me. I asked her how she was doing, and her response was, “I want to be good, but I am just OK.” Those were the words I needed to explain how I was feeling.
Typically, I try hard not to let negativity take hold. I don’t usually dwell on the past in a way that makes me miss what I have in the present. I admit that it has been challenging for me lately. I want to be good; I am doing all the usual things in all the typical ways. Trying to fake it until I make it, so to speak. But my heart’s just not in it, and I have decided that’s OK.
Expecting this Christmas to be the same when nothing else in our life is was unrealistic. It was bound to look and feel different than ever before. It will undoubtedly be missing some of the magic she created because it will be missing her.
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