The Not So Empty Nest

Recently, since sending our youngest son to college, many conversations with friends and family have focused around the fact that my husband and I are now empty-nesters. It has been interesting for me to hear the varying opinions on this stage in life. Many of those I spoke with take a position of relief mixed with celebration. It's almost as if they are letting out a deep breath and saying "finally, now we can get on with the rest of our life!"  Others seem extremely sad and even a bit lost.  The uncertainty can be heard in their words and seen on their faces, as they seem to be saying "what will I do with the rest of my life?" My husband and I fall into the category similar to the majority, somewhere in between.

Family Vacation 2006

I can relate, in part to every opinion shared by the parents I've spoken to. Most of us have spent significant portions of our lives so far raising kids and as we all know, parenting can be a grind, even in the best of circumstances.  So I understand those who are turning the page with anticipation of what their next chapter holds. However, while I agree our goal may be to prepare them for a life away from us, I don't believe they are meant to live life without us.

For those on the other side, those who are really struggling, I am with you too. The destination that has taken 18 years to reach, suddenly seems to come to an abrupt end.  Our houses are suddenly quiet, our refrigerators stay full and our calendars are open. As parents we build our lives and our identity around being someone's mom or dad. They are an extension of us. That is how it should be, for a season. When we have done our job and they are ready to go, we need to let them. We need to find new interests or go back to something you have not had time for. Reconnect with friends, stay connected to those fellow parents who became friends and spend more time with your spouse. As you find your way as an empty-nester, remember nothing will diminish your identity or your value as a parent. You will always be called Mom or Dad, it just may be over text, Snap Chat or a phone call instead of in person like we'd prefer.

Truthfully, I am not a big fan of the term "empty nest", after all most young birds that leave their nests never come back. Luckily for us that has not been the case. Our boys both attend colleges close to us, allowing them the opportunity to come home and for us to visit there. We make the most of the time we have together and stay connected in other ways in between face to face visits.

Some days are still hard and at times the void I am left with when they are gone, even temporarily,  takes my breath away.  I've learned that for me, it's not about missing who they were or the life we had when they were little.  It's more about missing who they are now.  They are funny, talented, kind, smart and interesting people. People I'd choose to be around even if I wasn't their mom. I simply miss their presence around me.

Ultimately, I've come to realize in the midst of all the change, the nest isn't really empty at all.  The memories we've made, the lessons we've learned and taught, the relationships we've built and the love that we share continue to fill it everyday.

College Football Games

What Motherhood Has Taught Me So Far...

Since our boys left for college,  I've found myself reflecting on my experiences as a mother and what I have learned along the way.  Had I known then what I know now, I surely would've done a few things different.  Here are some of the lessons motherhood has taught me so far. Hopefully someone a few steps behind me will find them helpful.

This picture describes them perfectly!

* No Two Kids Are Alike: Our boys are a prefect example of this. Our oldest is cautious, intellectual, relaxed, sentimental and optimistic. He loves school and excels in academics.  Our youngest will take some risks, is stoic, tenderhearted, great with people and observant. He loves to learn, but is not a fan of school. Due to theses differences we could not  parent them completely the same.

 * Take An Interest : This is vitally important, especially for mothers of boys. It gives you a topic of conversation, a way to connect with them.  I learned about Legos, firetrucks and baseball among other things.  I loved knowing the baseball lingo and being able to understand the discussions in the car after games or around the table.

*Be Intentional- Be Involved: Eat dinner as a family, at the table. Be protective of family time, it's ok to say non to play dates or time other activities. Volunteer at school and help out with other activities.  Get to know your kids friends and their parents. I loved being a part of my son's school activities and I    met some amazing people in the process.

Being silly with the boy

*Motherly Instinct Is Real:
 I believe this God given. So don't dismiss it or let others discount it.
Heighten your awareness of it and listen to it, always.

*Be An Advocate: Speaking up is sometimes hard for me, but I find it easier to do when it concerns my kids. I am not talking about moving every hurdle out of their path or expecting special treatment. I am referring to situations that require skills that they don't have yet. Let them try, but be prepared to step in if needed.Be respectful, get all the facts, trust your instincts if you upset someone in the process that's ok.

*Numbers Do Lie A Little Bit: GPA's and standardized test scores do not give us a full picture of a person's skill set or personality, yet we have placed a high level of importance on them.  This causes a problem for those students who don't excel within these boundaries. They are asked to fit a standard set by people who've never even met them. Our family has worked hard to combat the negative impact and pressure this can have on kids. I am not against testing or standards, but I do see a need to reevaluate how we use them.

* Stay Up Late: Late at night after homework, dates, a game or hanging with the "boys", that's when they'd want to talk.  Their minds slowed down, they were reliving their day and would pop in our room to share random thoughts or stories that came to mind. At times it was hard, but so worth it. Those chats are one of the things I miss most about not having them home.                                                     

* Be Their Home Base: Even on their worst day, in their worst mood, they need you. When they act like they don't care what we think, they do. They save all the ugliness for us because they know they can. We are where they can relax and let go of everything they've been holding on to. You're the one that has always been their for them and they need to know you always will be.

Team Richards 

 * It Takes A Village:
We all need a community, a tribe if you will, to come alongside us on this journey. Our kids need other adults investing in them, teaching them and loving on them. We've had an amazing group of people that have become an extension of our family and filled this role for us. It is our hope that they will continue to be a part of all our lives.

*You're Stronger Than You Think:
Strength is woven into every one of the lessons listed here. At times it is unexplainable and shows up in unexpected ways.  Yet it always seems to be there when we need it the most.

*Motherhood Will Change You: I would not recognized the young mother I was 23 years ago. Every challenge and celebration has changed who I have become. It has been the hardest and most rewarding job I have every had and I am grateful for it everyday.

On a daily basis mothering looks very different for me now, but at it's core and in my heart it remains the same.  Our family has turned the page to another chapter and I am excited to see what new lessons lie ahead for me.