The Not So Empty Nest

Recently, since sending our youngest son to college, many conversations with friends and family have focused around the fact that my husband and I are now empty-nesters. It has been interesting for me to hear the varying opinions on this stage in life. Many of those I spoke with take a position of relief mixed with celebration. It's almost as if they are letting out a deep breath and saying "finally, now we can get on with the rest of our life!"  Others seem extremely sad and even a bit lost.  The uncertainty can be heard in their words and seen on their faces, as they seem to be saying "what will I do with the rest of my life?" My husband and I fall into the category similar to the majority, somewhere in between.

Family Vacation 2006

I can relate, in part to every opinion shared by the parents I've spoken to. Most of us have spent significant portions of our lives so far raising kids and as we all know, parenting can be a grind, even in the best of circumstances.  So I understand those who are turning the page with anticipation of what their next chapter holds. However, while I agree our goal may be to prepare them for a life away from us, I don't believe they are meant to live life without us.

For those on the other side, those who are really struggling, I am with you too. The destination that has taken 18 years to reach, suddenly seems to come to an abrupt end.  Our houses are suddenly quiet, our refrigerators stay full and our calendars are open. As parents we build our lives and our identity around being someone's mom or dad. They are an extension of us. That is how it should be, for a season. When we have done our job and they are ready to go, we need to let them. We need to find new interests or go back to something you have not had time for. Reconnect with friends, stay connected to those fellow parents who became friends and spend more time with your spouse. As you find your way as an empty-nester, remember nothing will diminish your identity or your value as a parent. You will always be called Mom or Dad, it just may be over text, Snap Chat or a phone call instead of in person like we'd prefer.

Truthfully, I am not a big fan of the term "empty nest", after all most young birds that leave their nests never come back. Luckily for us that has not been the case. Our boys both attend colleges close to us, allowing them the opportunity to come home and for us to visit there. We make the most of the time we have together and stay connected in other ways in between face to face visits.

Some days are still hard and at times the void I am left with when they are gone, even temporarily,  takes my breath away.  I've learned that for me, it's not about missing who they were or the life we had when they were little.  It's more about missing who they are now.  They are funny, talented, kind, smart and interesting people. People I'd choose to be around even if I wasn't their mom. I simply miss their presence around me.

Ultimately, I've come to realize in the midst of all the change, the nest isn't really empty at all.  The memories we've made, the lessons we've learned and taught, the relationships we've built and the love that we share continue to fill it everyday.

College Football Games

What Motherhood Has Taught Me So Far...

Since our boys left for college,  I've found myself reflecting on my experiences as a mother and what I have learned along the way.  Had I known then what I know now, I surely would've done a few things different.  Here are some of the lessons motherhood has taught me so far. Hopefully someone a few steps behind me will find them helpful.

This picture describes them perfectly!

* No Two Kids Are Alike: Our boys are a prefect example of this. Our oldest is cautious, intellectual, relaxed, sentimental and optimistic. He loves school and excels in academics.  Our youngest will take some risks, is stoic, tenderhearted, great with people and observant. He loves to learn, but is not a fan of school. Due to theses differences we could not  parent them completely the same.

 * Take An Interest : This is vitally important, especially for mothers of boys. It gives you a topic of conversation, a way to connect with them.  I learned about Legos, firetrucks and baseball among other things.  I loved knowing the baseball lingo and being able to understand the discussions in the car after games or around the table.

*Be Intentional- Be Involved: Eat dinner as a family, at the table. Be protective of family time, it's ok to say non to play dates or time other activities. Volunteer at school and help out with other activities.  Get to know your kids friends and their parents. I loved being a part of my son's school activities and I    met some amazing people in the process.

Being silly with the boy

*Motherly Instinct Is Real:
 I believe this God given. So don't dismiss it or let others discount it.
Heighten your awareness of it and listen to it, always.

*Be An Advocate: Speaking up is sometimes hard for me, but I find it easier to do when it concerns my kids. I am not talking about moving every hurdle out of their path or expecting special treatment. I am referring to situations that require skills that they don't have yet. Let them try, but be prepared to step in if needed.Be respectful, get all the facts, trust your instincts if you upset someone in the process that's ok.

*Numbers Do Lie A Little Bit: GPA's and standardized test scores do not give us a full picture of a person's skill set or personality, yet we have placed a high level of importance on them.  This causes a problem for those students who don't excel within these boundaries. They are asked to fit a standard set by people who've never even met them. Our family has worked hard to combat the negative impact and pressure this can have on kids. I am not against testing or standards, but I do see a need to reevaluate how we use them.

* Stay Up Late: Late at night after homework, dates, a game or hanging with the "boys", that's when they'd want to talk.  Their minds slowed down, they were reliving their day and would pop in our room to share random thoughts or stories that came to mind. At times it was hard, but so worth it. Those chats are one of the things I miss most about not having them home.                                                     

* Be Their Home Base: Even on their worst day, in their worst mood, they need you. When they act like they don't care what we think, they do. They save all the ugliness for us because they know they can. We are where they can relax and let go of everything they've been holding on to. You're the one that has always been their for them and they need to know you always will be.

Team Richards 

 * It Takes A Village:
We all need a community, a tribe if you will, to come alongside us on this journey. Our kids need other adults investing in them, teaching them and loving on them. We've had an amazing group of people that have become an extension of our family and filled this role for us. It is our hope that they will continue to be a part of all our lives.

*You're Stronger Than You Think:
Strength is woven into every one of the lessons listed here. At times it is unexplainable and shows up in unexpected ways.  Yet it always seems to be there when we need it the most.

*Motherhood Will Change You: I would not recognized the young mother I was 23 years ago. Every challenge and celebration has changed who I have become. It has been the hardest and most rewarding job I have every had and I am grateful for it everyday.

On a daily basis mothering looks very different for me now, but at it's core and in my heart it remains the same.  Our family has turned the page to another chapter and I am excited to see what new lessons lie ahead for me.

Different Direction- Same Journey

For our family the last few months have been very busy and it's been quite a while since my last post. This is not out of a lack of things to write about, but rather a matter of me taking the time to sit here and do it.

Yesterday it hit me, this time next week we will have just repeated one of the hardest things we have ever done as we move our youngest son college. Thinking back to that time four years ago brought me here. I started this blog as our oldest son was graduating high school. It has been a place for me to think out loud and has given me a way to share my words with others who may need to hear them.

Owen's Graduation 

Over the last few months I've had many converstations with friends who are walking this road alongside me. Some for the first time and others like myself have been here before.  To be honest I am not sure who has the easier journey.  With my oldest I had no idea how I would feel or the impact this change would have on our family. This time around the "unknowns" are gone, which does set my mind at ease a bit. But it's the "knowns" that I dread. I now know how hard it will be. I also know that there is really no way to fully prepare for it.

The Guys

The quiet house and tidy bedrooms come with a sense of loss that can not be explained. But what we now know is this... at some point the grief will lessen and give way to pride, joy and excitement. We will learn to enjoy the time we have with our college kids and be creative in our ways to stay connected with them. We want to see them succeed separate from us. If we have done our jobs right, this is how it is supposed to work. Next week as we drive home in an empty car the lessons we've learned from the first time will still be in our heads, our hearts just won't remember them.

The Naturals- Forever Teammates

Owen and Parker headed to Ireland 

We are so grateful to be surrounded by a wonderful group of people who have been on this parenthood journey with us. These are people who have poured into Owen intentionally and have impacted his life for the better. He knows without a doubt that he is loved and cared for by all of them and we feel the same in return. It is a special group and we will miss them all dearly. We have committed to stay connected even though our boys are away.

Olathe East Baseball Fellas

The spring and summer have flown by and I have no doubt the next few days will be no exception. Very soon we will be headed to a college in a different direction to start the same journey we did 4 years ago.  Owen is excited and ready to see what's next for him. He is full of potential and has so many gifts that will serve him well. We have no doubt that he will find his way and create the future he is meant to have.

"For I know the plans I have for you"says the Lord " plans to give you a future and a hope." Jer 29:11

Saying Good-Bye To Max...

Handsome Max

In early February our sweet dog Max was diagnosed with Insulinoma, a rare form of pancreatic cancer. The symptoms are similar to diabetes, very low blood sugar, shaking and being unable to stand or walk. Treatments are invasive, expensive and either way the prognosis is poor, especially for a almost 15 year old dog.  So we brought him home, loved on him and made him comfortable.

His first day with us.

A month ago yesterday we took Max back to the vet one final time. The decision had became clear, but even with that clarity it was devastating.  Our hearts were breaking, we wished there was another solution. We were putting it off for our benefit, but we knew what needed to be done for him.

Max joined our family in the spring of 2004 after Kellan found him on a Second Chance Pet Adoptions website. I can't remember if we were really in the market for another dog or if we were talked into the idea.  He was given the name "Slugger" by the family that was fostering him and Kellan took that as a sign that it was meant to be. We agreed to go take a look at the cute Corgi Lab mix, but made no promises. However, as soon as we saw him we knew he'd be coming with us.

On the play set-he climbed up himself!

While "Slugger" was a fine name, especially for a family who loves baseball as much as we do, we felt it was a bit long. We decided on a new name, we would call him Max. It was short, sweet and easy for both boys to say. At the time Kellan was in 2nd grade and Owen was only 4 years old.

From day one, Max was an awesome dog. He was calm and got along well with our older lab mix Jake. He was easily house trained, slept all night and never chewed up anything. He was gentle and patient with our two active boys who loved to chase him around the back yard. He loved people and was affectionate towards them, but never licked anyone, especially not in the face.  We never taught him that, he just never did.

Owen giving Max a kiss on the head

I have often wondered if maybe Max missed his calling. He honestly would have been fantastic as a special needs service dog with his easy temperament, ability to tenderly take things out of our hands and his tame personality. He would have been well suited as an agility dog as well, running through obstacle courses, jumping, climbing and racing in circles. He loved to do that with our boys around the play set in the back yard. He was good at it all, until he tore his ACL when he was about two years old. We loved this dog so much that we took him to K-State to have it repaired.

Kellan and Max just hanging out.

Max quickly won over everyone he met. He loved to be right in the middle of our family gatherings.  He would lay under the kitchen table or in the middle of the floor forcing guests to step over him or move him out of their way. The little ones would sit or lay on him and he never moved. He became special not just to us, but to our entire extended family.

Playing sled dog with Owen

Each of us had our own unique relationship with Max. Owen was the one who played with him most. Enjoying games of tug of war, fetch and running all those mile ran in the yard.  Kellan, obviously bonded with him from the get go. He was his hang out pal, his buddy. When Kellan was at home you could find Max sitting close by.  He was Tim's lunch partner. He enjoyed coming home for lunch and having Max there to keep him company. As for me, he was my shadow. He followed me everywhere. From room to room, one level of the house to the other, Max was always there.

Max listening to Kellan play guitar

While Max brought different things to our lives individually, he also brought the same things to us collectively as a family. He brought us peace with his calming presence, joy with his playful nature, and companionship with his desire to be near us. But above all else he brought us love. His constant, dependable, trustworthy,  quiet, unconditional love.

In the month since he's been gone there have days where we miss him terribly. Moments when the grief gets the best of us. But I think we would all agree that the almost 15 years we had with him was worth the short lived sadness we are experiencing right now.  He was the best dog a family could ask for in every single way and we will hold tight to all of the memories he gave us.

A Season Of Lasts

This week we began our 8th and final season of high school baseball. As I added games to the already busy schedule the reality set in that this Spring will be a whole season of lasts.

We have been here before with our older son, so you would think we would be better prepared this time around. I guess in some ways we are, but for all the ways this road seems familiar the journey down it has been different in many ways.

This picture show their differences well!

Academically:
Our oldest son Kellan, loved school. He was a good student, took challenging courses and enjoyed most of them. He met the expectations of his teachers, the system and environment in general. Owen is extremely smart and curious. He loves to learn and is self motivated to do so when something grabs his interest. The classroom however, has not always been the best fit for him which has created challenges we did not expect.

Activities:
For Kellan the focus in high school was simple. Baseball was and still is his passion. Owen also loves baseball, but he has found joy and great success in other activities as well. Involvement in choir and musical theater have provided some of the best experiences and opportunities of his time in high school. We in-turn have been able to witness him grow and use his gifts in a way that has truly impacted people in a positive way.

Future Plan:
By this time four years ago our Senior had already made his decision. He would be attending a Division II college to play baseball, a goal he set for himself many years before. This time around future plans are still undecided. Not because of lack of options, he has many, he simply is just not sure yet. Does he play baseball or not? Does he sing or not? Big school, small school or Junior College? It’s a big decision that is complicated by his wide range of interest and abilities. The narrow focus of our older son proved beneficial not only in the process but ultimately in his choice. Without a doubt we know that Owen will land on the path he is meant to go down. We trust that God has a plan for him in the same way we did for his brother.

As we attend games, concerts, banquets and many other “lasts”, the next 10 weeks will go quickly. We want Owen to focus on enjoying the rest of his time in high school while not looking too far into the future that he misses what is left in the now. We need to do the same.

We remember all too well the emotions and chaos that come with graduation.  In some ways that will make these days more difficult. However, we also know that as hard as the "lasts" can be, we are all looking forward to the exciting "firsts" that are yet to come for Owen and our family.