One Word Could Change Your Life.

 

Historically, I've not been a big believer in New Year's resolutions. Making life changes or creating new habits is hard, and while some people may need that extra pressure, for me, it's never been a very successful practice. However, on the backside of 2020, the ongoing pandemic and the climate in our country, I wanted to find a way to focus on something positive.

As the new year began, I committed to reading a daily devotional, something I had never really done. I settled on Live in Grace, Walk in Love, by Bob Goff. I have read other books of his and appreciate his positivity and simple approach towards Christianity. He is a master of quotes and phrases that stick with you.

At the same time, I also began reading a book I had been given as a gift titled, One Word That Will Change Your Life. This book walks the reader through a three-step process of choosing one word to focus on for a whole year. I've always had an appreciation for words. I recognize that great quotes, mottos, mission statements, prayers, speeches, and song lyrics, can impact our lives in profound ways. However, I had never considered the impact that a single word might have on a person.  

  As I worked my way through these two books, I quickly became aware of what my word would be. I chose LOVE as the word that would be my focus.

 Love is a little word with a lot of power, and its definitions are both complex and straightforward. Some may argue it can be overused, and I would agree. But I also believe it is one of the most essential words in any language.

 So, I had my word, now what? The next step was finding ways to live it out daily and keep it at the center of my thoughts and actions. As a starting point, I wanted Love to drive the way I look at people and situations. I wanted my responses and the decisions I made to be based on Love as well. But this would need to be more than a superficial, Hallmark Movie kind of Love, or a transactional kind of Love. Instead, it had to be Love without any agenda or expectations. Bob Goff puts it this way, "The rules for love are simple; Everybody Always." This phrase has become an anthem of sorts for me. It answers the questions of who should I love and for how long?

 Initially, this idea seemed simple, but I quickly realized that this half of the exercise would be more complicated than the first. After all, most of it would revolve around people and other things I have no control over. Regardless of its complexity, I was determined to follow through on the commitment I made to myself.

 To be clear, trying to lead with Love does not in any way mean we should excuse or accept the hurtful words, bad behavior, or poor decisions of other people. It is possible to show Love to someone without being a part of their drama or putting yourself in an unhealthy situation. Holding others accountable is often required, but even that is most effective when done through a lens of kindness and compassion. We must also show ourselves some Love, and setting good boundaries is a vital part of that.

 At this point, I've been working on this practice for nearly ten months. There have been days I have failed miserably. I've let frustration, sadness, or several other things replace Love as my first reaction. But on the days when I get it right, there is a sense of peace and accomplishment, and it feels awesome.

 This whole process is teaching me quite a bit.  I am learning how to give Love without expectations and how to think about situations from other points of view. It’s helped me realize that even people I am closest to will hurt and disappoint me, they may not mean to, but they will.   And regardless of who you are or what stage of life you may be in, everyone could use a little grace and mercy.

 But most importantly, it's taught me that Love is more than a word. It is an emotion, an action, an attitude. Love can also be a choice. We can choose to love those who we disagree with, those who have treated us poorly, those who we don't understand. We can choose to separate the person from their behavior with the understanding that we're all carrying with us a lifetime of experiences that have shaped who we are. By choosing Love, we can change not only our life but possibly someone else's life too!

 

I Want To Be Good, But I Am Just OK.

On Saturday, we finally decorated our Christmas tree after it had sat bare, other than lights, for the better part of two weeks. I could say the delay was because Owen was gone on a hunting trip, and that did play a role, but truthfully it was mostly because I just didn’t want to.

My mom loved Christmas, and doing it without her for the first time is hard. Add to that the complications and limitations Covid-19 has placed on our holiday celebrations; the combination has left me feeling a bit Grinchy this year.

Growing up, Christmas was always a big deal. Not only the day itself but the days leading up to it as well. My mom created wonderful traditions for us, starting with how we decorated the tree. The ornaments always went on first, and then when it was all finished, we’d turn off the lights in the room and plug in the tree. That was always a magical moment for us as young girls. The days leading up the Christmas Day were filled with baking cookies, pumpkin bread, fudge, Harvey Walbanger Cake, and pies. There was always plenty to share with family and friends. The first snow always meant homemade hot chocolate with Marshmallow Fluff or Redi Whip, or even both, on top. We took annual trips to look at The Plaza Lights and never missed making a stop at the house on Falmouth Drive in Prairie Village. We always had matching new pajamas to wear on Christmas Eve, we left cookies for Santa and left the tree lit overnight.

Christmas morning, we waited until everyone was awake, and we went into the living room together. I understand why we did that now. Mom wanted to see the look on our faces when we saw what Santa brought. Santa never wrapped the gifts from him at our house, so we could see right away what was under the tree for us. We then took turns opening the other presents, starting with the youngest person. My twin sister and I opened our gifts back-to-back to keep from spoiling the surprise for one another. This process usually took us most of the morning. I think it was Mom's way of extending the culmination of all the hard work, saving, and planning she had done for months to create that special moment for each of us. The rest of the day was filled with a lot of food and celebrations with extended family. 

We continued these traditions even after we were all married. When the grandkids came along, we added new traditions, including the "Grand Tree" decorated by the grandkids and making a birthday cake for Jesus each year.

All of this is why it is impossible to think of Christmas without thinking of her. For me carrying on these traditions this year has left my heart feeling full and yet slightly empty all at the same time.

I am aware that I am not alone. This year has been tough; my circumstances are the reality for many families, including several co-workers. One of them said something the other day that really stuck with me. I asked her how she was doing, and her response was, “I want to be good, but I am just OK.” Those were the words I needed to explain how I was feeling. 

Typically, I try hard not to let negativity take hold. I don’t usually dwell on the past in a way that makes me miss what I have in the present. I admit that it has been challenging for me lately. I want to be good; I am doing all of the usual things in all of the typical ways. Trying to fake it until I make is so to speak. But my heart’s just not in it, and I have decided that’s OK. 

Expecting this Christmas to be the same when nothing else in our life is, was unrealistic. It was bound to look and feel different than ever before.  It will undoubtedly be missing some of the magic she created because it will be missing her. 

Back To School Covid Style- Observations From A School Secretary

Typically, fall would be full of the familiar routine that goes along with preparing our boys for the start of school. But as we all know, not much about this year has been typical, familiar, or routine. For the first time since 2000, we will not have anyone attending school this year. This is less about the pandemic and more about the fact that they both have completed the formal education needed to pursue full-time careers, Kellan in college baseball and Owen in the fire service. Although this is a milestone that will move them closer to a life independent of us, I welcome it given the challenges this year will bring.

Let me first say; this post is not about taking sides, placing blame, or defending my own opinions. It is simply about sharing a few of my observations from my unique position as a school secretary. Working in a school office has given me a front-row seat to what has taken place during the past few months, and one thing I can say for certain, it's been hard on everyone.

I watched school administrators who have worked tirelessly to build a plan to get our students back to learning again. They have done this with no blueprint or prototype. They have done this with data that is continually changing and not always 100% reliable. They have done this by trying to find a compromise between what is optimal and what is obtainable while attempting to meet thousands of students' needs.

I have talked with parents who are unsure about where and how to send their kids to school. They are concerned about the virus and the long term effects this may have on their child's educational and emotional well being. They are overwhelmed by the idea of juggling remote and hybrid schedules while still fulfilling their responsibilities at work.

I have seen administrators, teachers, and school staff members working harder, longer, and with higher stress levels than ever before. Many of them have had to rethink, rework, and relearn almost everything they know about their jobs. They are dedicated and caring professionals that want to be prepared for their students, so they do what they need to do.

I have followed groups fighting for the return of sports, music, theatre, and other school activities. For some students, these activities are the driving force and saving grace within the school day. They are the reason they come to school at all, and without them, they find it harder to stay engaged.

I've watched kids riding bikes along the front sidewalk or peaking in the office window; they are eager to be back in school with the teachers and friends they have missed so much. 

Everyone is dealing with so much change and uncertainty right now, and neither of those makes us feel very good. But I know we will get through this because, in the days and months ahead, I will see this...

• I will see grace extended to those who need it, including ourselves.
• I will see levels of patience and flexibility we didn't know where possible. 
• I will see expectations being met and exceeded.
• I will see cooperation and teamwork like no other year before
• I will see adults who are brave enough to set aside their fears and uncertainties and courageously show up each day. 
• I will see people learn to focus on the things they can control and let go of what they can't.
• I will see everyone trying each day to do their very best.

Tomorrow we welcome our students back after 192 days away from school. They will be met with the smiling eyes and masked covered grins of our staff whose excitement and resilience will not be dampened by the situation's uncertainty. There are bound to be roadblocks and detours along the way, as we navigate this unchartered path. But I am confident that when May rolls around, and we have made it through, we will look back with pride at what we accomplished together. 

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For Mom...I Love You Lots!

These are, by far, some of the hardest words I have ever written. Yesterday marked two months since we said our final goodbye to my Mom after a hard-fought battle with lung cancer. There is so much I could say about her and the entire experience we have all just been through. As I write this, I am fully aware that, for once, no matter how hard I try, my words may fall short. Even so, I felt it was important to document this time in my life like I have many others,  through writing. 

My Mom often talked about writing a book about her life. She always felt that despite the challenges she had encountered along the way, her life had been extraordinary, and she was right. She wanted to make a more permanent record of that life, not only for herself but for all of us. I am sad she never got that accomplished. So while it won't be the book she dreamed of, I will try and tell her story in a way she would be proud of.

In many ways, my Mom's life should have turned out much different. Some people would say the odds were stacked against her. She had a loving family, but her father was an alcoholic, which lead to instability and loss of jobs. They had very little money, so she quit high school to get a job. She was married at 15 and a mother of twins by 16. She often said that her path was not one she would recommend, but for her, it worked. She was a success story because she wanted to be. She worked hard to improve herself and, in turn, created a better life for us than the one she'd been given. She got her G.E.D, put herself through cosmetology school, and eventually opened a salon of her own. For almost 20 years, "the shop" was a huge part of our lives. We spent evenings and summer days there. Her clients became friends, and some were even like family. She was not just a business owner in the community; she also joined the city's volunteer fire department as a firefighter/EMT. In 1999 after dealing with some life-changing medical issues, she was forced to retire. Giving up her business and the profession she loved was extremely hard for her, but what she missed the most was the people that came with it.

Being a successful business owner was not something my Mom dreamed of doing as a little girl. She often told us that what she wanted to grow up to be was a Mom. She believed that my sisters and I were a gift God had trusted her with. She never took that or the responsibility of raising us for granted. She was a Mama Bear, a bit overprotective, and always worried about us. She was strict but fair. She worked to give us everything we needed and some of what we wanted. She was not perfect, but her intentions were good, and she did her best. She loved us and was proud of us, and she made sure we knew it.

My Mom saw little value in material belongings. She liked nice things, and a lot of them, but they were never expensive. But she loved giving gifts, especially to her grandkids. What she did value was her family. She was happiest when everyone crowded into the house for holidays or watching one of the grandkids play a game or participate in a show or concert. She would brag about them unapologetically. She was intentional about being present in their lives, and she made sure to tell them how special she thought they were.

I think there comes the point in our life when we begin to think about the end of it.  What will we leave behind? What will my legacy be? I imagine this was true for my Mom as well. While I cannot remember her talking about it specifically, it was obvious what she considered her legacy to be....people. Whether it be family, long time friends, former clients, or perfect strangers, she loved people. She was a great friend, an encourager, and a good listener. She searched to find the good in people and connected with them on a deep level very quickly. We've heard stories from those who she touched in significant ways with a small gesture or an ordinary conversation. She was kind and brave, and loved by so many.

Losing her has left an enormous hole in our hearts, one that I am not sure will ever be completely full again. She was a presence in our daily lives and the centerpiece in so many of our memories. She will be missed in the small details and in the significant moments to come. Thankfully, she has left us with a strong family and her example of how to take care of each other.  We have barely started down this new path without her. There are a lot of unknowns around the corner, but through every twist and turn, we will keep the promise we made her, to stick together no matter what. 

 Love You Lots Mom!

                   

 

 

Keeping Perspective During a Pandemic

It has been almost a year since I have written a blog, but now on day 50-something of a mandated quarantine,  I find myself with excess time and an abundance of thoughts, both of which have brought me back here.

The past 8 months have been filled with change and adjustment for our family. We have navigated through a retirement, new jobs, college graduation, several moves, and a change in college majors. Some of these we had planned for, others caught us completely off guard. Never did I think there would be an event to exceed all of these, yet here we are.

Quarantines and stay at home orders have been put in place all over the country hoping to slow the spread of the Covid-19 virus. This has resulted in closed businesses and furloughed workers. Boardrooms are empty and home offices are filled with employees working remotely. Students and their teachers have left their physical classrooms for online workspaces. College dorms are vacant and campuses deserted. Events have been canceled, calendars are cleared, leaving athletes, musicians, brides, high school seniors, and college graduates, among others heartbroken.  Emotions are raw, patience runs thin and we are all coping in various ways to the interruption this crisis has caused to our daily lives.

This kind of adversity can make people behave in ways they never would otherwise. Fear and anger can run parallel to each other. We've seen proof of this in the long lines outside Costco and empty grocery store shelves as people hurried to stockpile toilet paper, Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, and non-perishable food items.  Anger and negativity have shown up on social media pages and in headlines, directed toward our government, our school districts, and sadly, even towards one another.

Quote by Bob Goff

Circumstances differ greatly for each of us in all of this. So will the extent to which we are ultimately affected, both now and going forward. I think it is crucial to remember this and to do our best to show empathy, compassion, and kindness in those times when we don't see eye to eye with one another. Meeting people where they are is much more powerful than comparing our story to theirs, the two may be similar but they are not the same.

For our family, the impact has been minimal in comparison but not without some challenges. Kellan's first season coaching college baseball was cut short and his summer season with the Royals Scout Team is still in question. The classroom portion of Owen's EMT course was moved to online and the simulation and clinical instruction were put on hold until today. This was difficult given the fact that hands-on learning is a huge part of the curriculum. I am proud of the way they both have managed the disappointment and challenges of this situation. As for Tim and I, we are both working from home and being paid as if nothing has changed, we are extremely thankful for that.

Quote by Brene'Brown

There is no doubt this time has been stressful. We've all been asked to do things out of our comfort zone including surrendering a lot of the control over our daily lives. Nonetheless, we've adapted, we've persevered, we've shown grit and grace in the middle of it all. There have countless examples of ingenuity and acts of service during this time as companies and individuals work to create solutions and fill needs. I am hopeful that someday we'll be able to look back at all of this with lenses that allow us to recognize the triumphs hidden in the middle of the tragedies.

I miss the people I love. I miss my freedom to come and go as I please. I miss baseball!!! I know all those things will have to wait a little longer, and that's ok. For now, as we move another step closer to our new normal, I will continue to focus on what I can control. My attitude, my perspective, my faith, my care for others, and my gratitude for everything, and everyone I still have.

I Gave a Boy a Baseball...

A few weeks ago our oldest son Kellan posted an essay on his Facebook page titled, "If you give a boy a baseball".  In it, the unknown author explains how it's not only a baseball you are giving but indeed much, much more. I've read this essay before, many years ago, but this time with his last college game approaching, the words took on a much deeper meaning.

T-Ball

Kellan started playing baseball at the age of five, and while he was not as athletic as his younger brother, he truly loved to play. He was also left-handed, which can be a huge advantage in baseball. By 5th grade, after trying other sports he had decided to focus solely on baseball. When he wasn't playing it, he was watching it or reading about it. Baseball is often called a thinking man's game and he is definitely a thinker. He enjoyed the strategy and science that is weaved into all aspects of the game. He set a goal to play at the college level. He had never been the best player on the team, an everyday starter or the lights out flame thrower, but he was willing to do the work to make it happen.

Signing Day

During his Senior year of high school, Missouri Western State University offered him a spot on their roster. We knew very little about the school or the baseball program other than they were consistently competitive in a really good NCAA DII conference. None the less he accepted. His dream of playing college baseball had come true, sort of. Being on a college roster and actually making it on to the field are two entirely different things.

The Change in Mechanics

After redshirting his Freshman year he continued to work hard to become a contributor on the pitching staff. Eventually, with the help of his coach, he completely changed his pitching mechanics and soon after started seeing success. We are so grateful to the coaching staff for having the patience to allow him to work his way on to the field.
After five memorable years as a Griffon, Kellan played his final college game last month.
He accomplished more during his time there than he ever thought possible. In the classroom, he was named to the MIAA Academic Honor Roll all five years, earned a Bachelor's degree with a minor and will complete his Master's degree in December. On the field, he set the school record for single-season appearances by a pitcher at 29, then broke it at 35. He's also tied for 16th all-time single-season appearances in NCAA Dll Baseball. He also set the MIAA career appearance record at 94 and is 20th all-time in career appearances for Dll Baseball. He had the opportunity to play alongside his teammates in several conference tournaments and two regional tournaments. He was also nominated by his teammates and coaches last season as the Golden Griffon Baseball Player of the Year, an honor he was very humbled to receive. And then last summer he had the chance to play in British Columbia with the Kelowna Falcons a team in the West Coast League. He traveled through Canada, Washington, and Oregan playing with other college players from all divisions. It was an adventure and one he will never forget.

It is often said that many of life's lessons can be learned through baseball, I believe that to be true. I've seen it time and time again in all of us, but in Kellan especially. Baseball has taught him about failure, determination, perseverance, grit, confidence, leadership, patience, and that hard work does pay off. His journey through baseball is a wonderful example of how a simple game can shape a person.  This was captured so well in the video that was made for the Golden Griffon ceremony last year. It really shows his love for the game and how it has in part made him who he is today.
We have given a lot to the game of baseball over the last 18 years, but it has also given us a lot in return. The time we spent as a family, the places we've traveled, the memories we've made and most importantly the people we've met made every mile, every dollar, and every minute worth it.

Team Richards' at Kellan's last game

Some of our closest friends are fellow baseball parents.  We've sat next to them on bleachers or in lawn chairs through cold spring evenings and hot summer weekends. They have coached, transported, fed, bandaged, cheered, hugged and simply loved our boys as if they were their own. For the boys, many of their teammates are now life-long friends. 

This summer Kellan has been given an amazing opportunity to move to the other side of the foul line and play a new position as a coach. Our calendar is no longer as full as is once was, but we look forward to cheering him on as he takes another step towards his goal of a career in baseball. 

Our relationship with baseball may be changing, but it has and will always be part of our family identity. I cannot imagine what life would be like had we never given our boys a baseball.

"When you give a boy a baseball you gave him a talent, and hope, a sport, a dream, and friends and a new family. A place to learn about life, room to grow up as a person where he can push the limit, and have bravery, courage, and memories. And he will have all these things simply because you gave a boy a baseball!" -taken from If You Give a Boy a Baseball

The Not So Empty Nest

Recently, since sending our youngest son to college, many conversations with friends and family have focused around the fact that my husband and I are now empty-nesters. It has been interesting for me to hear the varying opinions on this stage in life. Many of those I spoke with take a position of relief mixed with celebration. It's almost as if they are letting out a deep breath and saying "finally, now we can get on with the rest of our life!"  Others seem extremely sad and even a bit lost.  The uncertainty can be heard in their words and seen on their faces, as they seem to be saying "what will I do with the rest of my life?" My husband and I fall into the category similar to the majority, somewhere in between.

Family Vacation 2006

I can relate, in part to every opinion shared by the parents I've spoken to. Most of us have spent significant portions of our lives so far raising kids and as we all know, parenting can be a grind, even in the best of circumstances.  So I understand those who are turning the page with anticipation of what their next chapter holds. However, while I agree our goal may be to prepare them for a life away from us, I don't believe they are meant to live life without us.

For those on the other side, those who are really struggling, I am with you too. The destination that has taken 18 years to reach, suddenly seems to come to an abrupt end.  Our houses are suddenly quiet, our refrigerators stay full and our calendars are open. As parents we build our lives and our identity around being someone's mom or dad. They are an extension of us. That is how it should be, for a season. When we have done our job and they are ready to go, we need to let them. We need to find new interests or go back to something you have not had time for. Reconnect with friends, stay connected to those fellow parents who became friends and spend more time with your spouse. As you find your way as an empty-nester, remember nothing will diminish your identity or your value as a parent. You will always be called Mom or Dad, it just may be over text, Snap Chat or a phone call instead of in person like we'd prefer.

Truthfully, I am not a big fan of the term "empty nest", after all most young birds that leave their nests never come back. Luckily for us that has not been the case. Our boys both attend colleges close to us, allowing them the opportunity to come home and for us to visit there. We make the most of the time we have together and stay connected in other ways in between face to face visits.

Some days are still hard and at times the void I am left with when they are gone, even temporarily,  takes my breath away.  I've learned that for me, it's not about missing who they were or the life we had when they were little.  It's more about missing who they are now.  They are funny, talented, kind, smart and interesting people. People I'd choose to be around even if I wasn't their mom. I simply miss their presence around me.

Ultimately, I've come to realize in the midst of all the change, the nest isn't really empty at all.  The memories we've made, the lessons we've learned and taught, the relationships we've built and the love that we share continue to fill it everyday.

College Football Games