I Want To Be Good, But I Am Just OK.

On Saturday, we finally decorated our Christmas tree after it had sat bare, other than lights, for the better part of two weeks. I could say the delay was because Owen was gone on a hunting trip, and that did play a role, but truthfully it was mostly because I just didn’t want to.

My mom loved Christmas, and doing it without her for the first time is hard. Add to that the complications and limitations Covid-19 has placed on our holiday celebrations; the combination has left me feeling a bit Grinchy this year.

Growing up, Christmas was always a big deal. Not only the day itself but the days leading up to it as well. My mom created wonderful traditions for us, starting with how we decorated the tree. The ornaments always went on first, and then when it was all finished, we’d turn off the lights in the room and plug in the tree. That was always a magical moment for us as young girls. The days leading up the Christmas Day were filled with baking cookies, pumpkin bread, fudge, Harvey Walbanger Cake, and pies. There was always plenty to share with family and friends. The first snow always meant homemade hot chocolate with Marshmallow Fluff or Redi Whip, or even both, on top. We took annual trips to look at The Plaza Lights and never missed making a stop at the house on Falmouth Drive in Prairie Village. We always had matching new pajamas to wear on Christmas Eve, we left cookies for Santa and left the tree lit overnight.

Christmas morning, we waited until everyone was awake, and we went into the living room together. I understand why we did that now. Mom wanted to see the look on our faces when we saw what Santa brought. Santa never wrapped the gifts from him at our house, so we could see right away what was under the tree for us. We then took turns opening the other presents, starting with the youngest person. My twin sister and I opened our gifts back-to-back to keep from spoiling the surprise for one another. This process usually took us most of the morning. I think it was Mom's way of extending the culmination of all the hard work, saving, and planning she had done for months to create that special moment for each of us. The rest of the day was filled with a lot of food and celebrations with extended family. 

We continued these traditions even after we were all married. When the grandkids came along, we added new traditions, including the "Grand Tree" decorated by the grandkids and making a birthday cake for Jesus each year.

All of this is why it is impossible to think of Christmas without thinking of her. For me carrying on these traditions this year has left my heart feeling full and yet slightly empty all at the same time.

I am aware that I am not alone. This year has been tough; my circumstances are the reality for many families, including several co-workers. One of them said something the other day that really stuck with me. I asked her how she was doing, and her response was, “I want to be good, but I am just OK.” Those were the words I needed to explain how I was feeling. 

Typically, I try hard not to let negativity take hold. I don’t usually dwell on the past in a way that makes me miss what I have in the present. I admit that it has been challenging for me lately. I want to be good; I am doing all of the usual things in all of the typical ways. Trying to fake it until I make is so to speak. But my heart’s just not in it, and I have decided that’s OK. 

Expecting this Christmas to be the same when nothing else in our life is, was unrealistic. It was bound to look and feel different than ever before.  It will undoubtedly be missing some of the magic she created because it will be missing her. 

Back To School Covid Style- Observations From A School Secretary

Typically, fall would be full of the familiar routine that goes along with preparing our boys for the start of school. But as we all know, not much about this year has been typical, familiar, or routine. For the first time since 2000, we will not have anyone attending school this year. This is less about the pandemic and more about the fact that they both have completed the formal education needed to pursue full-time careers, Kellan in college baseball and Owen in the fire service. Although this is a milestone that will move them closer to a life independent of us, I welcome it given the challenges this year will bring.

Let me first say; this post is not about taking sides, placing blame, or defending my own opinions. It is simply about sharing a few of my observations from my unique position as a school secretary. Working in a school office has given me a front-row seat to what has taken place during the past few months, and one thing I can say for certain, it's been hard on everyone.

I watched school administrators who have worked tirelessly to build a plan to get our students back to learning again. They have done this with no blueprint or prototype. They have done this with data that is continually changing and not always 100% reliable. They have done this by trying to find a compromise between what is optimal and what is obtainable while attempting to meet thousands of students' needs.

I have talked with parents who are unsure about where and how to send their kids to school. They are concerned about the virus and the long term effects this may have on their child's educational and emotional well being. They are overwhelmed by the idea of juggling remote and hybrid schedules while still fulfilling their responsibilities at work.

I have seen administrators, teachers, and school staff members working harder, longer, and with higher stress levels than ever before. Many of them have had to rethink, rework, and relearn almost everything they know about their jobs. They are dedicated and caring professionals that want to be prepared for their students, so they do what they need to do.

I have followed groups fighting for the return of sports, music, theatre, and other school activities. For some students, these activities are the driving force and saving grace within the school day. They are the reason they come to school at all, and without them, they find it harder to stay engaged.

I've watched kids riding bikes along the front sidewalk or peaking in the office window; they are eager to be back in school with the teachers and friends they have missed so much. 

Everyone is dealing with so much change and uncertainty right now, and neither of those makes us feel very good. But I know we will get through this because, in the days and months ahead, I will see this...

• I will see grace extended to those who need it, including ourselves.
• I will see levels of patience and flexibility we didn't know where possible. 
• I will see expectations being met and exceeded.
• I will see cooperation and teamwork like no other year before
• I will see adults who are brave enough to set aside their fears and uncertainties and courageously show up each day. 
• I will see people learn to focus on the things they can control and let go of what they can't.
• I will see everyone trying each day to do their very best.

Tomorrow we welcome our students back after 192 days away from school. They will be met with the smiling eyes and masked covered grins of our staff whose excitement and resilience will not be dampened by the situation's uncertainty. There are bound to be roadblocks and detours along the way, as we navigate this unchartered path. But I am confident that when May rolls around, and we have made it through, we will look back with pride at what we accomplished together. 

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For Mom...I Love You Lots!

These are, by far, some of the hardest words I have ever written. Yesterday marked two months since we said our final goodbye to my Mom after a hard-fought battle with lung cancer. There is so much I could say about her and the entire experience we have all just been through. As I write this, I am fully aware that, for once, no matter how hard I try, my words may fall short. Even so, I felt it was important to document this time in my life like I have many others,  through writing. 

My Mom often talked about writing a book about her life. She always felt that despite the challenges she had encountered along the way, her life had been extraordinary, and she was right. She wanted to make a more permanent record of that life, not only for herself but for all of us. I am sad she never got that accomplished. So while it won't be the book she dreamed of, I will try and tell her story in a way she would be proud of.

In many ways, my Mom's life should have turned out much different. Some people would say the odds were stacked against her. She had a loving family, but her father was an alcoholic, which lead to instability and loss of jobs. They had very little money, so she quit high school to get a job. She was married at 15 and a mother of twins by 16. She often said that her path was not one she would recommend, but for her, it worked. She was a success story because she wanted to be. She worked hard to improve herself and, in turn, created a better life for us than the one she'd been given. She got her G.E.D, put herself through cosmetology school, and eventually opened a salon of her own. For almost 20 years, "the shop" was a huge part of our lives. We spent evenings and summer days there. Her clients became friends, and some were even like family. She was not just a business owner in the community; she also joined the city's volunteer fire department as a firefighter/EMT. In 1999 after dealing with some life-changing medical issues, she was forced to retire. Giving up her business and the profession she loved was extremely hard for her, but what she missed the most was the people that came with it.

Being a successful business owner was not something my Mom dreamed of doing as a little girl. She often told us that what she wanted to grow up to be was a Mom. She believed that my sisters and I were a gift God had trusted her with. She never took that or the responsibility of raising us for granted. She was a Mama Bear, a bit overprotective, and always worried about us. She was strict but fair. She worked to give us everything we needed and some of what we wanted. She was not perfect, but her intentions were good, and she did her best. She loved us and was proud of us, and she made sure we knew it.

My Mom saw little value in material belongings. She liked nice things, and a lot of them, but they were never expensive. But she loved giving gifts, especially to her grandkids. What she did value was her family. She was happiest when everyone crowded into the house for holidays or watching one of the grandkids play a game or participate in a show or concert. She would brag about them unapologetically. She was intentional about being present in their lives, and she made sure to tell them how special she thought they were.

I think there comes the point in our life when we begin to think about the end of it.  What will we leave behind? What will my legacy be? I imagine this was true for my Mom as well. While I cannot remember her talking about it specifically, it was obvious what she considered her legacy to be....people. Whether it be family, long time friends, former clients, or perfect strangers, she loved people. She was a great friend, an encourager, and a good listener. She searched to find the good in people and connected with them on a deep level very quickly. We've heard stories from those who she touched in significant ways with a small gesture or an ordinary conversation. She was kind and brave, and loved by so many.

Losing her has left an enormous hole in our hearts, one that I am not sure will ever be completely full again. She was a presence in our daily lives and the centerpiece in so many of our memories. She will be missed in the small details and in the significant moments to come. Thankfully, she has left us with a strong family and her example of how to take care of each other.  We have barely started down this new path without her. There are a lot of unknowns around the corner, but through every twist and turn, we will keep the promise we made her, to stick together no matter what. 

 Love You Lots Mom!

                   

 

 

Keeping Perspective During a Pandemic

It has been almost a year since I have written a blog, but now on day 50-something of a mandated quarantine,  I find myself with excess time and an abundance of thoughts, both of which have brought me back here.

The past 8 months have been filled with change and adjustment for our family. We have navigated through a retirement, new jobs, college graduation, several moves, and a change in college majors. Some of these we had planned for, others caught us completely off guard. Never did I think there would be an event to exceed all of these, yet here we are.

Quarantines and stay at home orders have been put in place all over the country hoping to slow the spread of the Covid-19 virus. This has resulted in closed businesses and furloughed workers. Boardrooms are empty and home offices are filled with employees working remotely. Students and their teachers have left their physical classrooms for online workspaces. College dorms are vacant and campuses deserted. Events have been canceled, calendars are cleared, leaving athletes, musicians, brides, high school seniors, and college graduates, among others heartbroken.  Emotions are raw, patience runs thin and we are all coping in various ways to the interruption this crisis has caused to our daily lives.

This kind of adversity can make people behave in ways they never would otherwise. Fear and anger can run parallel to each other. We've seen proof of this in the long lines outside Costco and empty grocery store shelves as people hurried to stockpile toilet paper, Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, and non-perishable food items.  Anger and negativity have shown up on social media pages and in headlines, directed toward our government, our school districts, and sadly, even towards one another.

Quote by Bob Goff

Circumstances differ greatly for each of us in all of this. So will the extent to which we are ultimately affected, both now and going forward. I think it is crucial to remember this and to do our best to show empathy, compassion, and kindness in those times when we don't see eye to eye with one another. Meeting people where they are is much more powerful than comparing our story to theirs, the two may be similar but they are not the same.

For our family, the impact has been minimal in comparison but not without some challenges. Kellan's first season coaching college baseball was cut short and his summer season with the Royals Scout Team is still in question. The classroom portion of Owen's EMT course was moved to online and the simulation and clinical instruction were put on hold until today. This was difficult given the fact that hands-on learning is a huge part of the curriculum. I am proud of the way they both have managed the disappointment and challenges of this situation. As for Tim and I, we are both working from home and being paid as if nothing has changed, we are extremely thankful for that.

Quote by Brene'Brown

There is no doubt this time has been stressful. We've all been asked to do things out of our comfort zone including surrendering a lot of the control over our daily lives. Nonetheless, we've adapted, we've persevered, we've shown grit and grace in the middle of it all. There have countless examples of ingenuity and acts of service during this time as companies and individuals work to create solutions and fill needs. I am hopeful that someday we'll be able to look back at all of this with lenses that allow us to recognize the triumphs hidden in the middle of the tragedies.

I miss the people I love. I miss my freedom to come and go as I please. I miss baseball!!! I know all those things will have to wait a little longer, and that's ok. For now, as we move another step closer to our new normal, I will continue to focus on what I can control. My attitude, my perspective, my faith, my care for others, and my gratitude for everything, and everyone I still have.