Not Sure Father's Day Is Enough!

Last weekend families all over took time out of their busy schedules to celebrate Father's Day. Facebook and Instagram posts were full of sweet pictures with captions expressing gratitude and love for dads and husbands a like.  Gifts were bought and given. Meals were shared and memories were made.

Our family was no different. I too posted something on social media in honor of my husband, who is an amazing father to our boys. We enjoyed church, a baseball game and dinner as a family. We also spent some rare time with my extended family. It was a good day.

I love that we devote a special day to show the father's in our lives just how much we love and appreciate them, but to be honest I am not sure that is enough.

Sadly I have noticed, that fathers and men in general are not always represented in the best way. Advertising and entertainment industries often portray them as incompetent, shallow and disconnected. Showing them to be more committed to their jobs, hobbies, beer fridges or fraternity brothers then to their families, churches or charity associations. The media tends to report only the negative stories of pro and collegiate athletes in trouble. When the focus could just as easily be placed on all of the others who are making positive impacts.

I am not sure about you, but I do not see those men anywhere in or around my family. The men I know are kind, devoted, smart, caring, hardworking, family loving guys. They try hard. They do their best. Do they make mistakes? Of course they do, but doesn't everybody?

As a daughter, a wife and a mother of boys, this makes me extremely sad and a bit angry as well. This perception sends the wrong message to men and boys. These degrading and an unfair generalization fit a very small population of men. I know similar things happen on the female side as well, but their is a difference. Not only are men and boys shown what our society as a whole thinks they are, but then they are expected to be something completely different. For example: Dad is seen as incapable of getting the kids fed and out the door for baseball practice, but then Mom is upset that she has to do it all herself. Sound familiar?

Unfortunately there is very little we can do to change the general attitude towards men in our culture. But we can create an environment within our homes that celebrates the men in our lives for who God made them to be. A place filled with mutual respect, understanding and good communication. A place where they will feel competent, supported, smart, capable, and well cared for.

My fellow moms, this is primarily up to us.
We set the tone.
We have great influence.
Let's use it!

Tricks of the Trade and One-Liners

So far the majority of the posts I have been motivated to write have been about things or situations that are surrounded by some sort of emotion. For this post however I have decided to write from a more practical point of view.  As always I hope that if you are reading this that you find it useful in some way.

I don't claim to have this parenting thing down by any means, but I have learned a thing or two over almost 20 years of motherhood.  Some of the lessons have been learned through trial and error. Others have been handed down to me by wise women I've had in my life in a number of different circles.I have also learned a lot from reading books and blogs about parenting and boys in general. I am so grateful to not be on this journey alone and for the grace that my boys have shown me over and over again.

For a while now I have been keeping two lists. The first I titled "Tricks of the Trade", and the other "One-Liners".  The tricks are little things I have discovered along the way that either make my life as a mother easier or richer. The One-Liners are things I catch myself or my husband saying frequently to our sons. Both lists have both silly and sincere things written on them, I hope you find them helpful and entertaining at the same time.  Here they are...

Tricks of The Trade:

Boys can be somewhat of a messy bunch. They aren't worried about nor bothered by untidy rooms, unpleasant smells, cluttered bathroom counters or the bit of lunch that ended up on their white
 t-shirt. So I have learned to have these things on hand to help prevent our second floor from smelling like a locker room.

• Clorox Wipes: These are a must for bathrooms, when their aim is not stellar and for counters that have had toothpaste and a number of other things spilled on them.
• Fe breeze/Air Fresheners: I always have some sort of air fresher in my boys rooms, this keeps the stink to a minimum especially when sweaty clothes get shoved into the hamper for days before being washed. Fe breeze is a great all around spray for any unpleasant smell that may occur in life.
• Laundry can be a challenge, especially if your boys play sports. Mine play baseball, and that involves a lot of dirt. I have developed a method that works well most of the time. Depending on the level of grime, I use a couple of different products. For really dirty garments I scrub and soak them in Fels-Naptha soap, this is an old time laundry bar soap available at Wal-Mart. For times when the dirt is not so bad, I use a basic pre-treat spray, but in either case the sooner the better as to not let the dirt set in.  Once I have done the pre-treating needed, I wash them on the longest setting with an extra rise cycle and I throw in some Tide Boost with my regular detergent. If all else fails, I take them  to the car wash, hang them on the floor mate clips and use the high power spray to get them clean. I have a two try rule, after that I concede the win to the dirt!

Our lives are busier than ever and I try hard to be prepared and keep things organized. 

• We have a family Google calendar that all four of us have access to. When we add things that involve our boys we invite them and that way they can start to keep track of their own activities and deadlines.
• I also have a notebook devoted to all the pieces of paper that seem to collect. Physical forms, permission slips, class contracts, practice schedules, and what ever else you want to add.
• To be prepared for spur of the moment get togethers with friends, I try and keep frozen pizza and brownie mix on hand. They are easy to make and boys love them. 

I have learned that boys are different in a lot of ways and how we approach situations concerning them needs to be different too. We as mother's need to be compassionate and loving, but keep in mind our role in preparing them for the expectations that will be placed on them as men.

• We need to advocate for our sons and teach them to do that for themselves. 
• Let them do it their way. Just because it's different than yours doesn't make it wrong. The dishes are put away correctly as long as the cabinet door shuts. Right?
• We should always be their soft place to fall when the world is not treating them very kind.
• We need to educate ourselves on the challenges our boys face today and will face in their future.
• And we need to remember that struggle is good and being uncomfortable is necessary to build character and self reliance.

Communication with a man-child can be a challenge, it takes some work. These things have been helpful to me in trying to create better communication between my boys and I.

• Ask a lot of questions, and accept their short answers.
• Give specific instructions.
• Let them come to you on their time, even if it is late at night.
• Talk less! The less words the better. A friend of mine describes a good conversation like this,   " Be bright, be brief,  be gone."  This is not to be mean or disrespectful. But with boys, the truth is, the shorter the conversation the more productive they seem to be. So that brings me to the one-liners. They are short and to the point, and seem to do the job!

One-Liners:

• Have you eaten
• Get a coaster
• Don't bounce that in here
• Use a napkin
• Turn those pants right side out
• Lean over
• Do you have everything you need
• Watch that hitch (in a parking lot)
• Take your cleats off 
• Make good choices
• Be a gentleman
• It's got to be somewhere
• Treat yourself and others with love and respect

I saved what I feel is both a trick of the trade and one-liner combined. It may be the most important of all for last. " Trust Your Instincts". You know what your boy needs more than anyone else. He in turn, with your guidance, will learn to trust what he knows is true and right. 

Returning to the job I love the most

Walking on the beach -Maui, HI

I got my first job when I was 14 years old. I worked at a family owned restaurant similar to a Dairy Queen. We had just moved to a new town and working there for the summer allowed me to get to know some of the kids before starting high school.  I enjoyed the job and loved the people who owned the place. I have maintained contact with them to this day.

Since then I have held a number of jobs. I was a cashier at a grocery and convenience store, a cosmetologist, veterinarian assistant, switchboard operator, a human resources assistant and lastly my current position as a secretary at an elementary school. I can honestly say that I have enjoyed parts of all of them and know with out a doubt that I have learned a lot during my time at each one of them. But starting today like I do for a short time each summer, I am returning to the job I have held the longest and love the most, full time mom!

I did not go into motherhood aspiring to be a stay at home mom. Growing up, my mom owned her own business and worked very hard to provide for my sisters and I. Most of the women in my family worked outside of the home in some capacity or another and I had no reason to believe that I would do anything different.

I went back to work full time after our oldest son was born. My husband worked shifts on the fire department and was able to be with Kellan at least two days a week. The rest of his week was spent at a small in-home day care. He was always loved and well taken care of during the day, just not by me. I found myself a bit disappointed in motherhood, it was not what I thought it would be. The few hours a day that I was able to spend with my son was not enough. I missed him terribly and wanted to be with him more.

This was no secret to my husband and so we began discussing our options. Could our household afford to lose some or all of my income? Were we willing to sacrifice and cut back in order to make this happen. We decided that the answer was yes to both of those questions.

We compromised and I took a job working only two days a week. I was able to be home more, stay in the work force and still contribute some financially to the family. This worked out well until our second son was born. At that time it made more sense for me to stay home full time then to spend my entire paycheck on day care.

There has been a lot of conversation about which is better, stay at home moms or working moms. Unfortunately the debate has gotten ugly at times. My opinion is this. Every mom, every family, every child is different. Do what works for your family and what you personally feel makes you the best mom you can be. But if the only thing keeping you at your job is the thought that you can't afford to leave, I encourage you to do the math. You may be surprised. And for those of you who love your jobs and can't imagine not working outside of the home, own that. No guilt needed.  We all are fully equipped to be the parents God wants us to be for the children He's given us, let's support each other in the process.

I was a full time stay at home mom for seven years before going back to work at my current position. During that time I was blessed to have a husband that worked multiple jobs at the same time. He went to college to complete his bachelors degree and was promoted twice. He was a constant source of leadership, encouragement, love and support for our family. I will be honest, it was hard, by far the hardest job I have every had, but I would not trade that time for anything in this world.

Currently I think I have the best of both worlds. I enjoy my job. Although I am not in a classroom, I feel I can impact the students in our building in positive ways. I am able to come along side staff members in a supportive role to make their increasingly difficult job a little bit easier. My job provides our family some additional income and allows me a significant amount of time off.  I will spend the next 5 weeks, cooking meals, doing laundry, driving to practices, packing coolers and cars, watching a lot of baseball, and what ever else needs to be done. I look forward to all of it,  As I said before, this is the job I love the most!