It Will Get Easier. I Promise!

                                            

Over the last week or so my Facebook feed has been full of posts as kids we know head off to college for the first time. Seeing the pictures and reading the teary eyed comments bring back the memories of last year at this time, when we were in the exact same situation. I remember how it felt as if it happened yesterday, watching our son walk into his dorm, his new home, as we drove away. I still get emotional when I think about it. For me, the next several days were the hardest. Sadness and tears would hit me at the most unexpected times and as hard as I tried I could not prevent that. I felt like I was grieving and celebrating all at same time. I was so excited and proud of my son,  but my heart hurt.

I missed his physical presence, but it was more than that. It was all the little things that came along with him being here. Our conversations, both big and small, interactions between he and his brother, discussions about music shared with his dad, the "Hey, Hey!" we would hear as he comes in the door, the smell of Gold Bond powder, and the ability to hug him, and know that he's doing ok.

He had been gone before, but I knew that this time it was different. This time he was going with a specific purpose. To begin to build a life separate from us.

Eventually it became easier for all of us. We settled into our new normal. We appreciated any time we were able to spend with him and always looked forward to the next visit. And by Christmas break I think I was able to say goodbye without any tears. Change is always a process and this has been no exception. Now looking back here are a few things I wish I would have known.

1. If he doesn't call it's not because he doesn't want to or that he is too busy with his new college friends. He just can't right now. He is homesick and he knows that hearing your voice will only make it worse.
2. If you sense that he is distant, don't take it personal. He is doing his best to keep it all together.
3. He may want to come home, but doesn't. He may want you to visit, but won't ask you to. Spending time in the life he is comfortable in makes it hard to go back to the place where everything is different.
4. If he keeps things from you it's because he doesn't want you to worry.
5. It will get easier. I promise!

The dinning room table is a staging area for packing.

Now as we prepare to send our son back to school next week, we are confident that this year will be much easier for all of us. This is what he should be doing. He is looking forward to, a new dorm, new classes, new friends and maybe most of all, a new baseball season. When he leaves this time, the purpose will be the same, he will continue gaining skills, knowledge and experiences that will prepare him for a life apart from us. We are grateful for our relationship with him, both individually and as a family and we know that no matter where he goes he will always have a life with us too!

A friend of mine posted this quote as she took her second son to college. I think it sums up what we all want as parents, even if it causes us pain in the process.

"The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them."
Frank A. Clark

Disconnected People In An Over-Connected World

Our world is more connected than ever with the invention of the Internet followed by, email, X-Box Live, Facebook, Facetime, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Beme, Periscope and of course texting. We are able to reach out to individuals or large groups without leaving our coach. We can reconnect with old friends, keep in touch with family who live far away, see how others are spending their summer and even witness life changing events in real time. And while I appreciate and use a lot of this technology, I worry that it may be having a negative effect on how we relate to each other.

I have seen couples or families out to dinner who instead of having conversations with the living, breathing people sitting across the table from them, they are on their phones. I see kids of all ages out on errands with their face buried in a screen of some kind instead of interacting with the people around them.  I feel like adults are losing some of our social skills and children are not learning them in the first place. Many kids don't know how to talk on a phone, shake hands when introduced to someone new, or even resolve conflicts with friends. Technology has taken away the need to learn and the opportunity to practice these skills. Communication is done via text or some form of social media. Formal introductions are not needed for online gaming or adding someone to your friend list and if you don't like how the game is going, you can "X"out and go play by yourself. Adults can be just as guilty of these things as our kids.

Don't Be Like This Guy!

Additionally, I think technology and social media in particular create other reasons for concern.
*Distractions: from driving, people, responsibilities, opportunities and experiences.
*Hurt Feelings: gone are the days of being left out and not knowing about it. Now you can see it in full color on Facebook or Instagram.  And while the hurt is most likely not intentional it is still there and has to be dealt with.
*Comparisons: I think it is human nature to some degree to compare ourselves to others, especially when our lives are not going as planned. Seeing others living a life that you perceive to be better than your own can be hard to swallow. The trouble with comparing a life posted on social media to yours, is that they only show their highlight real. You are living in your behind the scenes. They have those too, they just choose not to post them.

My final thought is this, I believe we were created for community and relationships.  Good and healthy "real" relationships, full of both the beauty of the highlight reel and the mess of backstage are what we are meant for.  Technology can be a great tool to document and share our lives, but it will never be a substitute for that type of connection. It may even be keeping you from it.